MOMS MAGIC

December 31 2009 midnight I asked my husband to take me to the beach to watch the Lunar eclipse.He said that was too late and only drunkards would be roaming around.My dear husband had to give in to my birthday wish.He would have prayed silently that I should fall asleep.Having decided on something I never give up.It was really a lovely night.The whiff cold air, the silence of the world against the dashing of waves,awaiting the arrival of the new year.It is my dream to walk in the waves at midnight.Even though I did not walk ,I had the privilege of standing on the bridge,watching this beautiful scene.It was better than staying at home.The year end always bring me sorrowful memories of my darling mom and every new year blooms with the same thoughts.Not that I forget my mother the other days,its this day the 31 st of December that took away my mother from me six years ago. Whenever I think of her,its only her smile,her soft talk and kind eyes that fill my eyes.It makes me, wish to see her yet once just a minute,if only I had that power.She had taught me a lot of things about life.Whatever be the problem,even after becoming a mother myself ,I used to call her and she had a beautiful solution, a word that always brought peace and courage into me.I really miss her whenever I am confronted with some problem.Now I sit in front of her photo and cry my mind out and get up refreshed.I still wonder how but it really calms me.She always was sweet and smiling and kind ,whatever be her troubles.However hard I try,I can never be her way.She was a striking contrast to my dad who was very strict and short tempered.When she had to stay away from me when I was a kid I remember her telling me that whenever I felt like seeing her,I just have to wait till night and look at the moon,she would be smiling there.I believed it then but now,after so many years,when I was watching the deep blue waves,I heard her words and without much thought,I lifted my eyes from the waves towards the moon spontaneously.There she was smiling ,wishing me on my 45 Th birthday.That's moms magic,whatever be your maturity ,whatever be your age you just believe a Mothers word ...its the profound love that flows ,that keeps watching us and keeps our life running.It can make anything happen.

BABY KILLERS

When you are a kid you are so innocent .The whole world seems to be a loving place to live in .I will always say that's the period which is the best in our life. If ever God appears before me I will only ask for that period .No selfishness,no jealousy above all no responsibility .When you grow up when you come face to face with the bitter truths you are really shocked. That's how I felt when I saw a murderer ,a murderer who claimed what she did was sacrifice and the best for her child. Many of you would have seen Karuthamma ,about female infanticide. You would have thought the Tamil movie was an exaggeration and it is an event that takes place rarely .I come from Madurai I can tell you it just happens .No guilt feeling and no regrets among them. When I was in fifth standard ,I had a friend who was always sad because her parents hated her.(that's what she said).she always used to tell me that she had no breakfast because her mother never bothered to give her. When I told this to my mom,she put an end to this topic by telling me that she would give her food daily. She also told me that probably her parents were poor that they were rationing on food .My parents were very particular that their princess should never know what difficulty was. She did not want me to get wrong ideas about parents either. My friend had the breakfast I gave and afternoon,our school used to provide midday meals. She had that. That girl always had something or other to tell about her parents cruelty towards her. Whenever I told my mother she just dismissed it,strictly telling me not to talk about it any further. But it was a young mind, though I did not talk,I kept feeling sorry for my friend. One day she came to school happily saying she had a sister and asked me to see the baby,when we were returning from school. The hospital was on the way. I was never permitted to go anywhere. As it was on the way, I went into the hospital to see the baby. It was so tiny and sweet .When I was back ,I told my mom about the baby and she was happy that finally I have changed the cruelty topic not knowing the storm that was to follow the next day. When I went to school I saw my friend in tears. She said that the baby had died. I started weeping. My class teacher tried reasoning but she couldn't stop my tears. So she sent me to the principal who told me that the baby was Gods child so it has gone back to God.(it was a christian school and she told me some stories.)She had a tough time with me .Even now I can remember that scene I was sitting in Mother Superiors lap and she was offering me toffee and ice cream . I was not diverted by any of these things. Finally she sent me home thinking my mom can do a better job because I was shaking with fever. My mother,knowing my attitude, was calming me down with so many explanations. Finally she said “you told me your friend was treated badly and what will they do to this kid ,so God will give it to nice parents”. That made sense I was really happy. Next day I went to school I wasn't allowed to sit near my friend and it was to be that way for a week. My old maid (she was 60 years old and she kept blabbering about her woes,when she did her job) was strictly told not to say anything about death or difficulties to me. Two years after this incidence, my mom and dad had some job in city and they took my sister with them. I am very sensitive to dust and am allergic to bus and crowd that I was asked to stay back. I did it happily. So the old maid was my baby sitter. We played snakes and ladders .In one move she was brought from top to bottom .She said ,it was just like her life and she started ,forgetting the warning. This was her story. She was rich and her dad a drunkard,lost a lot of money then her husband drank and gambled and she became poor and had to work for her living. Then she said ,she felt bad that she wasn't killed like her sister. She said because she was the first they left her otherwise they would have killed her. I asked her the reason and she said because she was a girl. I was so shocked ,I heard her silently with my heart racing. She said darling ,You don't know, there is no use having a girl.(chinna rani potta pillai na la onnum upavoyagam illai)they spell trouble and expense not so with the boy. Then she told me the shocking news that even my friends sister was killed the same way giving erukam milk (mulberry milk)I was shocked,couldn't believe my ears. .I asked her who killed the baby and she said the girls mother and grand mother. Not knowing the state of my mind ,she went on that she had also killed three of her kids and two of her grand daughters. I was stunned and I told her that I would complain against her to police .I told her she was a killer. She laughed saying even the police used to call these people to kill their girl babies.She said it was with good intention she was doing this,She did not want the babies to suffer like her. She finally concluded that I will understand when I grow up. She said she had done the best for her children. She did not feel bad about it. She was talking as if she was killing an ant. That was the last time I spoke to her. Even though she worked after my marriage after my daughter was born,till her death,I never talked to her. I did not allow her to touch my daughter. She used to sit near me and say en rani ku en ivalo kobam.Innuma puriyalai.(what my queen still angry with me,don't you understand still)Matter of fact I was angry with my mother for not sacking her.My moms opinion was, it was her business,she was poor and old and was trustworthy and she cant send her out.She knew everything even before I told her. Aren't we dumb ,by not doing anything against them.Aren't we also a part of their plot. Murderers are murderers.So the saying that mothers love is unselfish with lot of sacrifices is all false.All love is selfish.You are lucky if you get a good mom. Here I have to say my friends father was an engineering college professor and whatever the girl said was true .They ill treated her because she was a girl. She committed suicide when she was in her eleventh standard ,as they wanted her to marry a rich old man.I just thought of putting this article of mine in my blog when I read a news in Times of India,mom and grandma kill twin girls in Madurai.
TIMES NEWS NETWORK
Madurai: In a shocking case of female infanticide in southern Tamil Nadu, a woman allegedly murdered a girl born to her two weeks ago by slitting her throat with a blade, even as her mother suffocated the twin. Both were arrested in Thoothukudi on Thursday. Police said the women had committed the crime as they were disappointed that both babies were girls, and they feared the family would incur huge expenditure in their treatment as they were born premature.
Police said Revathy (21), wife of an autorickshaw driver of Oddapidaram in Thoothukudi district, developed labour pain on September 23; she was eight months pregnant. She was rushed to the Thoothukudi government hospital, where twin girls were born the next day. The babies weighed about 2kg each.
Very sad. I always feel guilty that we just watch,listen,read.......unable to do nothing........ nothing at all.

HOROSCOPE READING......MY PERCEPTION

One evening when my husband was busy and I had nothing to do but watch television .I was scanning channels and came to a halt when I saw an astrologer answering the queries asked on phone. His answers were very funny .He said it was hard time for another two years and after that the person who was worried of his future, will see happiness due to the transition of certain planets and domination of certain planets. Even planets dominate thus bringing doom …..just like parents dominance,wives dominance,husbands dominance......I am always amused when I see people running from one astrologer to another with their horoscopes .The funniest thing is,the astrologers always say that the time the person was born wasn't good,as if you have control of this.I will advice future babies to check the time and date and come out into this beautiful world. How can squares,circles and planets govern a persons happiness and fortune....wait wait..let me tell something,I am not debating against these horoscopes or am I saying that they are all false,I am just speaking my heart. Coming from a very very orthodox family(even I am surprised by my ideas)which always attached each and every event to horoscope,I grew up with these ideas and was always puzzled .The first time ,I couldn't help laughing was , when I was in labor ward awaiting the arrival of my dear darling daughter. My dad did not trust the nurse there. He wanted the exact time of the babies arrival. So he set his watch with the radios time and then gave his watch to the nurse. Even in that pain, I asked my mom what if the nurse just forgets to see the precise time but just says...my mom asked me to shut up.I am very staunch believer of God and destiny but not squares. According to me ,every man in his course of life has ups and downs and nothing remains forever. Of course for some its difficulty throughout their lifetime. But my argument is that squares cant mend them either. My opinion is that we are fed with lot of negative thoughts....like its a difficult period ahead .The person hearing this will keep thinking about the difficult time which may not be so hard when he faces it or as a matter of fact may not come at all..People just think that if two horoscopes tally it will be a very happy marriage. What if the heart and feelings and ideas don't tally. They only attach much importance to this than the people concerned. I will say that most marriages will be happy if it was fixed with other factors on mind than mere squares. We had a friend who had an unemployed son. That father took his sons horoscope to many astrologers and he told us that after two years it was good time for him and he will be well settled. I wanted to tell him,Hello sir its already two years since your son finished,you wait for another two years ,he wont get the opportunity to work at all. Actually the astrologers words would have given him an excuse for not applying for a job. Here I would like to clarify that the boy did not get the job because he was not willing to work and not because of his stars and squares and after those beautiful two years too ,he is still jobless.. My opinion....Horoscope seeing ,instead of giving positive thinking it just leads the person to negative ideas. It makes a person very lazy and stupid. He never understands that half his problems are his own making not the faults of the planets. I always term those piece of papers as horror scopes not horoscopes as these astrologers, just for the sake of making money always predict a big doom which can be altered by doing a homa or pooja. Why submit ourselves before such people and become weak. Whatever happens happens .Can we stop a tsunami,can we prevent a person from dying or even if the date of death is predicted wont we just keep brooding over it wasting our precious life. Lets just face any difficulty strongly and bravely. Is there any pooja greater than the love we can show to the people in distress ?God can be seen in the smiles of the poor and needy when you give them a helping hand. You ultimately come to see the truth, that your difficulty is nothing compared to difficulties of others and there is nothing that can be done by running to astrologers carrying that piece of paper.Lastly if my father stumbles on this article I have written ,I will be due for a big lecture that he is sad that I have become a non-believer and that I should not say that I have no belief...blah blah...and surely my squares cannot save me from this.... can it?

HAPPINESS

I was just browsing the newspaper when I came across an advertisement on “Joy of giving week”I was left to wonder that we have become so selfish that a week has to be celebrated to teach us the joy of giving.So my thought process started working this way.I am always confused and frustrated when this question “What is happiness?”arises. Happiness ...everyone answers when asked what they would like in life. Where do we get happiness and when are we happy?.This question really has got a lot of answers.For a kid of 5 years its just a handful of sweets he/she wished ,as simple as that As we grow older our aspiration for things and ambitions grow that we never feel happy ,eventhough we have all the basic comforts. But even with the child after getting the sweets he wanted it starts waning, aspiring for other things .Its simple small things when we are young which grow to bigger things ,ambitions ,as we grow up. Ultimately its attitude,that matters. There used to be a cartoon in which a man goes searching for happiness and finally finds that he cant get it anywhere but within himself. There is a common belief that happiness is something that can be achieved and held on to it. We look forward to that time in which we can finally be happy, but it continually recedes. We want to get to the top of the Wheel of Life and stay there. When in high school, we think, "If I can just graduate then I will be happy." Graduation, however, is not fulfilling, and we decide "If I go to college then life will be better." But a college education does not bring happiness. Maybe it will come upon finding the right job, or getting married, or having children, or retiring. The goal remains elusive. The "happiness that lasts" is never found because it is actually impossible to get happy and stay happy. If life is based on obtaining happiness, then we will always fall short because life is always changing .what we think as happiness today is not happiness after a few days. Its far better to seek joy. Joy is related to happiness but it is a deep impression. For being happy one always is self entered but for joy this self centered feeling is not there. By helping the needy,by bringing joy in the life of a person. It may be nothing,just give water to a person who is thirsty..you can see the smile which immediately lights up your heart. Helping a blind person to cross the road makes you realize how lucky you are and this deed also gives joy which in turn makes you a person useful to society which brings happiness into you.
Joy is an experience which connects us to that which is "Greater" than we are. It connects us to the creative power that is more than the "I" or ego. Joy gets us out of ourselves and in contact with this "Other" and with others. Joy can sustain us throughout the four phases of life. I still don't know if what I think is correct .these are my own conclusions about happiness and joy.

LOST CHILDHOOD

I was watching the kids returning from school and there was so much of fun and frolic when they walked past. Only 10 minutes they were all out of their uniforms and back along with their school bags to coaching classes. I really wonder what there was to teach in kindergarten and primary schools that parents cannot teach. All their play hours grabbed by these tuition classes ,these children return tired .So no play at all. My daughter she had a big group and after school from 4P.M to 6 P.M it was chaos in our streets. At 6 O clock, you can hear the parents shout their kids names and it usually was drowned in the noise these sweety pies made. But now even though kids are there its always empty. Life will be colorless without these sweet angels and naughty imps around,but now its always studies and classes .With generations the play time has become so short and its always computer games these children play..I used to think that even my daughter missed a lot of enjoyments we had in our times. Studies were important but it did not occupy the majority of time. We did have holiday home works ,but we were asked to do in the afternoons when the sun was blazing and our parents did not want us out. Even then we played indoor games ...no computer or television which has now robbed the children of their beautiful playtime .I still remember the days we enjoyed. We use to breed bugs,yes it was small red velvety creatures. I still don't know the name but it was called velvet poochi by us. We had a bigger boy in our class who used to have a big box and was brave enough to catch the bugs from a crouton plant. The bug was ceremoniously fed five times a day. Whoever wanted a bug had to give something to him. I was always given four chocolates to eat at school ,two during interval and two during lunch. But I traded it with the bug. That was easy. Bringing it home and tending it was a difficult part. My mother she never used to scold .She was a soft person who always thought that children are children and they should be allowed to enjoy. When I showed her the bug she was shocked and she tried to convince me that my dad would surely blast me .but I was so adamant and I promised her that I would never take it out when my dad was around. During free hours in the class, we used to have a race with these bugs .Those sweet red velvety creatures would just try to run for their life as soon as we open the box but unfortunately after they reach the finishing point they will be put in the match box .Whoever wins will get the bug which lost. My bug was sluggish like me ,always in dazed state so I stopped racing as I did not want to part with it. Once when I was trying to feed the bugs my dad came up . I tried hiding the box. He asked me to show my hands and I just kept telling that nothing was there. He tried catching hold of my hand and the box fell open and the bugs (two)started running and I fell over it trying to catch,my mom was shocked and she was watching me and my angry father , moving in fours crawling behind the crawling bugs and I won I caught it. He slapped me and asked me to throw it out .I still remember the scene ,I held the bugs in the box close to my heart and started weeping refusing to part with it, my mother trying to cool my dad .It was such a scene that even now it comes in front my eyes. My sister who was just three years old then saw me weeping ,started weeping loudly thus ending the battle. Finally I had to give the bug to my friend to take care of it after school. So morning first job was to get the box from her and talk to my beautiful bug. Still its a mystery how blood oozing from your knuckles can be fun ,we just break the dry neem seed in knuckles,during this process you can see the blood oozing from your knuckles. I can never forget the gooseberries and corn we shared by cutting with half blade. When years passed and when we were in eight standard bugs weren't amusing then it was butterflies,catching caterpillars ,feeding them mulberry leaves,then watching the stages till the new butterfly took to its wings.Ofcourse we had to keep it away from ants and we lost quiet many pupae because of the ants which sent me heart broken .My mother decided to tell a strict No after seeing the way I wept for the loss of fireflies,bugs and butterflies........
Coming back to present ,I feel these little angels are missing so much of fun. I don't know why these parents never think, fresh air and playing together too teaches them a lot in life .I just feel sad for them that the beautiful part of childhood is passed without any entertainment.

The big black cat ,our saviour :)

I won’t say even now that I am a good cook but I do know that I was the worst when I got married. Whatever I tried cooking ….It was complete disaster. Never once I remember doing anything really palatable. We went to our parents house and I saw my mother making milk sweet.We call it palgoa in Tamil and to my surprise it was soooo easy that I decided to try it on my husband as soon as I came back to Kalpakkam. I just made a mental note of ingredients, just a liter of milk a cup of sugar and a handful of butter and mix everything and keep it boiling till it gets solid…how easy it is .So when we were back from Madurai my first job was to start this experiment and I was very confident that I can do it awfully well as I told you ,nothing really was great about making that sweet. So I started on my venture. I poured the milk added the ingredients and the mixture started boiling. I was really excited that this would be the successful outcome in my four months of married life. It did turn out well, the color and it started getting thick. I thought of removing the pan after sometime. I removed the pan and it was awesome. I was proud of it and decided to check it after it cooled. I thought my husband would surely be surprised..because by the way I had shown my culinary skills ,he did not even have an iota of hope that I will ever graduate in cooking leave alone expertise. I went to check out the sweet with all pride.I was really shocked ,the ladle refused to move from the sweet and I tried forcing and it did not move. I tried pulling and the outcome was the ladle came along with the pan. Inseparable! just like my poor husband stuck to me. I thought I would remove the traces and just not tell him about my failure. To my dismal the ladle refused to part from the pan. I think it did believe in marriage oaths and did not move even a inch. Preparation of sweet was an hour and this agony was not solved even after my three hours of battle. It was 6 o clock and my dear husband was back from office. He really was shocked to see me so tired and depressed .I explained him everything and on seeing the united pan and ladle, he could not help laughing and I ,poor me could not help weeping. It was a big blow to my ego ,always a failure in kitchen was too much. My husband started showing his strength in separating the pan and ladle.No way he also failed in separating the loving pair.we dismissed it and seeing my disappointed look, my husband said that we can have masala dosa in shopping complex (the only place where you got something to eat in kalpakkam and it was very nice..even now we miss it),probably he wasn’t ready to face another disaster in the name of dinner. So we went off leaving the sweet things to themselves. My husband added some water to it so that we could try after coming back. We came back after three hours. My first visit was to the kitchen and I screamed seeing a big black cat licking its paws .My husband came running to see what had happened and after driving the cat out we saw to our surprise that the cat had really licked the pan clean and it had somehow given divorce to the pan and ladle. Its now I know that there is something called consistency in making sweets and you have to remove from fire at the exact time otherwise you always have hardened stones instead of sweets. Finally my dear husband heaved a sigh of relief and said we have to see if that cat was alive or dead in our backyard.Ofcourse I did not give up,I took the help of my friends and somehow learnt making some sweets fairly palatable, not to mention I had a lot of failures too. My husbands friend used to say that it can be dug and preserved so that it can give evidence to people belonging to next era….how people were killed by eating sweets made by some people, he went to the extent of telling that even my name can be engraved in the sweet before burying!!!!!!!

Some tamil poetries scribbling

யார் சொன்னார்கள் இரவில் சூரியன் வராது என்று
எங்கள் வீட்டுக்கு வந்தது
ஒளிமயமாகவும் ஒலிமயமாகவும்
தாயாய் , சகோதரியாய்,குழந்தையாய்
சந்தோசமாய் சுற்றியது....இப்போது
செயற்கை ஒளியில் இருக்கிறோம்
இயற்கை ஒளி எபோது வரும் என்று
எங்கள் அன்பு மகளை ஊருக்கு வழி அனுப்பிவிட்டு!!!!!


காதல் ஒருவனை கைப்பிடித்து
மணவறையில் மணம்முடித்து
புகுந்த வீடு வந்தால் பெண்
வந்ததும் கணவனிடம் சொன்னால்
தந்தையாகவும் தாயாகவும் நான் இருக்க
உன்தந்தையும் தாயும் எதற்கு என்று
அவனும் அதையே சொன்னான் அவளிடம்
கோபம்கொண்டு தாயகம் திரும்பினாள்
இங்கு ஆணுக்கு ஒரு நியாயம்
பெண்ணுக்கு ஒரு நியாயம் தான்
பாரத நாட்டில் பெண்ணுக்கு சுதந்திரம் இல்லை
என்று யார் சொன்னார்கள் ?!!



கனவுகள் கண்டிருக்கிறேன்
வானத்து நீலத்தை எடுத்து
அழகான கவிதை ஒன்றுவரைய வேண்டும் என்று
கனவுகள் கண்டிருக்கிறேன்
அற்புதமான கதை ஒன்றை
எழுதவேண்டும் என்று
கனவுகள் கண்டிருக்கிறேன்
வார்த்தைகள் என் நாவில்
விளையாட வேண்டும் என்று
ஒன்றுமே என்னை கேளாமல்
அவர் கொடுத்தார்
அழகான காவியமான என் வாழ்வில்
அற்புதமான கதையாக என் கணவரையும்
அழகிய வார்த்தைகளாக என்
தங்க மகளையும் ....
கனவுகளை விட எனக்கு
நிஜங்கள் சுவையானவையே என்றென்றும்....

என் மடியில் குழந்தையாய்
நீ விழுந்த போது உன்
கள்ளமில்லா சிரிப்பை ரசித்தேன் வியந்தேன்
பின் என் விரல் பிடித்து
நீ மழலை பேசி நடந்த போது
உன் பேச்சினை ரசித்தேன் வியந்தேன்
வளர்ந்த பின் உன் பயன்களை கூறி
நீ அழும்போதும் மீண்டும் போராட
எழும் உன் மனோதிடத்தை
ரசித்தேன் வியந்தேன்....
நான் என்றும் பதிலை நின்றேன்
உன் ஓயாத கேள்விகளுக்கு
உன் கேள்விகளை கேட்டு ரசித்தேன்
இப்போது வளர்ந்து குமரியாய் நிற்கிறாய்
இன்றும் ரசிக்கிறேன் வியக்கிறேன்
உன் மனதிடத்தை உன் ஓயாத உழைப்பை
உன் உதவும் திரத்தை கண்டு
thaayaga அல்ல ஒரு manaviyaaga
இப்போது vazhaiyin padathirku
badhilaai நீ nirkirai naan kelviyaai
ipodhum வியக்கிறேன் எனக்கும் evalavu
azhaiya மலர் எப்படி வந்தது என்று ....