ITS ULTIMATELY HOW WE LOOK AT THINGS

Really life is a good teacher. You learn quite a lot from it. Many kinds of people make the world. Some selfish, some generous, some miserly….it goes on. Everyone behaves the way they behave because of their past experiences. My father had a friend who was a real miser. He never spent even for essential things. His son and daughter are earning hefty sums in an IT concern Still. I asked him the reason…he told me that he lost his father when he was 10 years old and his mother had to struggle to bring up himself, his brother and sister. Finally his brother got a job in Mumbai and self in LIC and then they got their sister married. Those days girls weren’t educated and they had to depend on some uncle or cousin which was really a very bad condition.He told…"I know the value of money., but you are a princess in your house and your father just gets you anything you spell out(eventhough he is protective and dominating,he has never said a no to anything we asked) so you just don’t know how cruel life can be and the value of money". I then asked my father "Why he was a spendthrift, even after so many battles in his life?". He has also gone through many difficult phases like his friend. He gave me a different answer. "You see, I had a rough journey in the beginning and also for some time after I got a job. But after settling down and I could breathe I was really happy. When you were born and with mother working we did have problems, but my only wish was I should keep my children very happy…they should enjoy life. Money comes money goes but for certain things we have to spend, if that will make someone happy". Similar situations, both have experienced; but similar experiences taught them both different lessons. I know another friend whose parents never had a good understanding between them. They always fought and it was always chaos at home. She used to come crying to me. I always told her that nothing can be changed and she has to face it. That, She did not have any choice. Even though she wept she was strong within .Now she is married and has a kid. She had invited me for her child’s first birthday. I asked her if she was happy. And she told, " of course and I know how I should not be a bad wife to my husband and a bad mom to my kid". But her brother was very weak in mind and he has been mentally afflicted. Another friend of my father had two sons. My father's friend and his wife too had a lot of misunderstanding and he used to ill-treat his wife a lot. After his marriage, their elder son was like his father, a male chauvinist, whereas the younger son was different. Having seen his mother suffer, he wanted his wife also to have a say. So it’s ultimately how we see things that matter. I happened to meet one of my childhood friends a few months back. Actually she was very rich and was married to a business man. She invited us to her house. It was really a big independent house and well maintained. I was really happy to see her bubbling and her husband too was very friendly. When we asked how his business was moving, we were in for a surprise. He said that he has quit business. He earlier had a business partner of same age as he is who died suddenly. This came as a shock to him. He said he started to see life differently. He said "I just watch as everything happens as it is destined .I have enough wealth to support my family and so I don’t work .I try to remain unaffected by things happening around". I asked my friend how she feels; she told me "I cannot change him, no other option but to keep quiet. Sometimes I do get irritated". Because he had a lot of property there was not much problem running the household. We can term it as laziness or is he a yogi?!!!!!!. But my friend's son behaved in a similar way.He was 28 years and he has done MBA.But he refused to go for a job .He got quiet a lot of opportunities with really a handsome salary. But he refused saying some reason or other. His argument was " I am content by praying God and everything is happening as per destiny and I am an observer". We advised him because we conisdered him to be impracical. Because our efforts proved futile, we took him to a psychiatrist. Now I look at it in a different way. Why did we not think that my friend's husband who has turned philosophical needs psychiatric treatment and flet the same way as this young MBA? Was it because of money? This man could support his family because of the wealth he had whereas this young boy wasn’t rich. Same ideas but we attribute differnt meanings to similar behaviour. The way we see them was different. My mother, she was always a friend to me . We used to talk about everything under the sky. It is only now , at this age, I am able to converse with my father that way- but still certain limitations are there .I really miss her.When I was 10 years old, once I got my ankle sprained badly. The pain was terrible. My mother applied turpentine and was asking me to eat food. I was weeping and I told her that it hurt me terribly and I don’t feel like eating.She was talking to me softly (she always does that way)and she told me in a matter of fact tone, "Do you know darling, that absence of pain itself is a pain for a lame man. This pain will go off in two days .Be patient". I got angry, I raised my voice and told her "it’s my foot"…She knew from my tone that I was feeling bad and gave me a painkiller and made me sleep. I went to school after two days. I saw a blind man making chairs.He was there always, but this time as I noticed, my mother's words "absence of pain" rang in my ears .Now I understood the meaning. I knew that I was lucky enough and he was blind by chance and not out of option. That is when I learnt the first lesson of helping others when they needed. Earlier when the blind man wanted to cross the road I used to just go off with my friends with a "someone will help them" attitude (I have mentioned this many times to my mom and she used to tell me "because they need help ,they are asking. Ddon’t treat them like this". But I was just 10 years old).Now I started thinking, why not me. So she made me see the world differently. Thanks to her that I try to do something. Even before her death she told me, " I don’t want ceremonies to be conducted on my death day, just give the orphans a nice meal or buy them clothes and books. Give what you have. To someone, it may be better than you dare to think."
We make a living by what we get, we make a life by what we give.

ITS YESTERDAY ONCE MORE

I come from a conservative family and Madurai the city or town I came from( I will call it village rather) was more conservative than our family. Whenever any of my father’s friends came, we disappeared into the house only to reappear for a few seconds, when we were beckoned. So when I came to kalpakkam after marriage it was really a cultural shock for me to see everyone chatting together!!!!!!!! The extent of conservativeness was too much in Madurai.We were three friends - very close and attached (we studied from nursery(kindergarten) till plus two together).Whenever we got free time we three got together discussing about poems, stories and paintings (one of my friend ,Priya was very good in painting). We shared common interests. We never saw movies, but loved film songs. So it was Ceylon radio always we listened to, like fm suryan nowadays,we loved cricket ,so listened to commentaries(no tv then)and our hero was Gavaskar.When we were in tenth standard ,one day when there was a no teaching period, we three were chatting sitting under a tree. My friend cracked a joke and we laughed, a bit loud I guess.It was the practice of our principal to go on rounds. She never stayed in her room and she was always on rounds.Omnipresent.. My friend Priya used to say…thoonilum iruppal thurumbilum iruppal.The principal happened to be there when we were laughing. She summoned us to her room .Usually we were called because Subhasini a bolder one in our lot was good in calligraphy,Priya in colouring and myself in writing captions (they had none other than me ).but to our surprise when we entered the room we were shocked to see her angry. Her first blast was- Don’t you people know that girls are not supposed to laugh aloud. We stared at each other wondering where and when we laughed aloud. Then she told us …now understand because Draupadi laughed Mahabaratha battle was fought and because Sita laughed Ravana carried Sita.Subashini, the ever bolder one asked,madam, when did we laugh? our principal got wild and said we were accusing her and she told she saw us under the tree.Oh God and as a punishment we were asked to go round the campus three times.It was real punishment as our campus was very large and it took 45 minutes for us to complete and on top of all this she sent the peon to see if we weren’t cheating. Now this is conservativeness to the core. I had a chance of meeting my friend Priya last month and her daughter who is now in tenth standard .when I told her , oh tenth standard,Priya started laughing saying that was when we were punished for laughing aloud. Immediately Priya's daughter quipped 'what? you don’t have the freedom even to laugh'. I can never forget another incident that took place during our annual day celebration.I was in ninth standard then.As ours was a girls school, only parents can come and attend, brothers and other male members were banned. I still doubt if anyone would have come across such stupid conditions. I was in an English skit that was the last programme and so we all knew that it will be 11 pm by the time the skit is over. As my father had gone on an official trip, my mother sent my uncle to school to pick me up. He was stopped at the gate by the watchman and the news went to my principal. She came to the gate and asked my uncle the details. She was not happy with his details as she had decided not to believe him. She told him he looks boyish and he was lying to her .she asked him to go away otherwise she won’t hesitate to call the police. I was completely unaware of the things going on. After the skit was over, I decided to search for my uncle who had promised to stay near the gate. The principal on seeing me asked me what I am looking for. I told her it was my uncle who had promised to take me. She said 'how dare you tell lies to me, you call that boy your uncle. I never thought in my dreams that you will so bad'. I was shocked and I told her that he was married and had two kids. She said that she is older than me and she knows when her student was lying. My uncle who was chased away brought my mother for proof. The principal wasn’t satisfied, but because of my mom I was sent home. I came to tears and was feeling bad about the way they had treated me. My uncle who was from Chennai said that he really thought my school was run by crackpots. So when my father came the next day, I asked my father to go to school and clarify details. I thought the principal would at least feel sorry and my father would support me. But nothing of that sort happened. When my father said that the boyish person was indeed my uncle, she said, ' its ok but we have to be very careful. we don’t want our school to earn a bad name and you should know we have been running a prestigious institution for almost 15 years'. My father said it was good and he just wanted to clarify and he came to me and said 'you are young .you wont understand .what she did was correct'. That was really the crowning point to this issue and I had to answer all questions about my uncle to my teachers who were curious to know till the issue was completely forgotten.I even remember the day when my father was called .... when I took biology,maths,physics and chemistry in my plus one.He was to advice me as they thought I will surely faint on the very sight of dissection.so I wept and got a month's time to proove I was not so weak in mind after all.We visited Madurai recently after 25 years, as my husband was invited for his college function(old student).We also went to my school.My botany teacher was now the principal.She saw me and the way I talked now and she commented that I have changed a lot.She asked my husband whether I am still frightened of everything and she told him also about the dissection story....he said laughing no.She went on to tell my husband that the myself and my batch were a bunch of good students who are a rarity now a days and i felt like laughing aloud about the rounds we had to do around the campus. I told her,' exposure, madam, it does the magic. Had I stayed here I wouldn't have changed'. But one thing ,I thought the teachers will be old and they wont be remembering me...but I was surprised when I entered the principals room ,she stared for a moment and reacted gleefully ....'Mangala, what a plesant surprise' .wow, what a memory.Oh my god the place or the peoples idea haven’t changed a bit….what a village to live in.But when I set my foot inside the school, I felt like coming back home after a long time.Coming from such a background I was like fish out of water when I came to kalpakkam.
All my best memories
Come back clearly to me
Some can even make me cry
Just like before
It is yesterday once more

MARRIAGE

I was reading an article in newspaper that lots of divorces has been recorded in Tamilnadu among newly weds.Marriages are made in heaven right but to make it work both have to strive.all types of people make the world. actually if you see ,incompatibility has always been there.you can never expect two different people to think alike.But there was lot of tolerance and in worse cases too divorces weren’t popular due to the fear of society and financial dependence. But now you have education and independence but we have lost tolerance.That's the main reason for divorce.It is fair for someone being harassed or beaten up to ask for a divorce but for trivial reasons its ridiculous.My friend's son got engaged to a girl and after engagement they started seeing each other.so one evening while they were having tea the boy has told his idea of buying a flat and the girl has said that she cant help much as she has decided to give her salary to her mother till her sister ,now in third year of engineering settles for a job.The boy was not happy and the marriage was called off I also know another friend of ours whose marriage was called off because she did not want compromise on her career and most important she wanted to eat non veg while the boy was a pure vegetarian.The beautiful part is they both selected each other and they had known each other for a year. Thank god these two cases split up before marriage. I am only reminded of Robert frost west running brook… When all the other country brooks flow east
to reach the ocean? It must be the brook
can trust itself to go by contraries
the way I can with you -- and you with me –
Its contraries that makes life interesting. And we have to adjust and not take the other for granted. Husbands or wives dominate ,the other surrenders. I wont agree that surrender gives absolute happiness as a bitterness always rest in ones heart which surfaces now and then when depressed or angry. Marrying does not give one the right to curtail the others interest .talents or freedom. According to me its understanding each others likes and dislikes…respecting the sentiments even if it runs in reverse direction that is important. Only after marriage you come to know the negative side of the person and it really makes many disappointed. If we accept people as they are this won’t happen. It’s same with friends too. We have a small understanding like I never make morning coffee…it’s my husband who makes it. I never insisted or asked him to but it just became a habit…so when dad visits me ,earlier he used to get irritated (as according to him women were to serve) but now he knows whatever he says I am not going to change, so he teases about it, he always comments he does not understand the logic behind it. No logic just happiness. Then its just unwritten law, if I arrange the table before dinner he will clear...i don’t mind even if he does’t clear but he wants to...so O.K. when I visit people and when the wife has to wait, serve, clean and clear I just wish he helps her.Just small things make a world of happiness…Sure he has his own ideas of life, doing things and me my own and we never agree on many issues .we always talk and discuss about the pros and cons before taking a decision and that is how marriage works out for many people…its just tolerance and understanding and respecting each other that makes marriage clicks. No surrender, just compromise. When the boy wants the girl to treat his parents as hers the same is true for him too. A support from the boy when the girl has to make some career options will surely make her happy and confident. Nowadays both of them have aims and goals and they want to pursue them .Nothing wrong in supporting each other.
As khalil Gibran says
Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
And stand together, yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.

CHILDREN

My grandmother was a very patient and practical lady. She lost her husband when she was just 25 years and was left with 4 children to take care. After my grandfathers death her life revolved around her children who were very young. As my grandfather was working for railways she had to wait for her eldest son who was just 13 years to complete his education and get a job in railways in compassionate ground. In our society you can be poor but being a widow was/is really a curse. She had to undergo all sorts of troubles to bring up her kids. The eldest son got his job, and then my mother she learnt typewriting and shorthand and got into LIC and the other two were studying. My uncle got interested with a girl who was also working for railways. My grandmother was so broadminded and she accepted his proposal. Then the ordeal started, my aunt did not like the responsibilities .somehow my grandmother adjusted to everything and my mother and rest got married. Now my uncle had a son and my grandmothers help was needed and her world started revolving around her grandchild. Then he had a brother and sister .so it was a busy schedule for her and she had to send them to school, take lunch et al.we used to visit my grandmother with our mother during our vacations. I just loved her ,her sweet smile .Whenever I was in a haste to do something she used to tell -be patient darling .Slow and steady wins the race .Iwas always with her chatting and listening to her stories. I have never seen her sleep .whatever dish we wanted we just had to spell out and she had it ready. When I was in tenth standard when I was a mature enough to understand things, I sensed my grandmother was an unpaid servant. She was always busy and her son or daughter in law never had the time to talk to her or ask her what she needed. She was a caretaker that’s all. Sunday my uncle and aunt would rest and they never bothered to rest my granny. So once when we both were chatting I told her to come with us .she was puzzled. I told her that I did not like the way she was treated and started weeping. She patted me on my head hugged me and said - Mangala ..Of course I brought him up but the duties I am doing is not out of compulsion but out of love. Yes I am hurt but at least I am useful. Let god give me all strength to always do things and let me not depend on others. And then she told me you are growing up you should also learn from others mistakes.Dont treat anyone the way you don’t want them to treat you. You be a lovely daughter to your parents and let them be proud of you. These words I still remember…when I get hurt by someone’s reaction I immediately think …be patient. So days rolled by. All in college and married ,my grandmother was 80 years old ,now very weak ,my uncle wanted to put her in an old age home. My grandmother wept. She told him not to send her there. My mother and her sister came to know about it and took her to their house where she breathed her last. I can never forgive my uncle. People are so selfish that they throw you off after taking all advantages. Here was a lady who wanted to give only happiness to her children and her son who wanted only his happiness. She was there in thick and thin whenever her son needed her but unfortunately he did not want to have her or just support her when she needed him most.Thats life .I learnt a lesson….never to be like my uncle. So even when my father is dominant and does not try to understand certain things…I just tell myself I am not talking back. He is old and I am not hurting him.I try my best to explain things. He will understand me someday…Children can really turn villains. Otherwise old age homes will not be so crowded

PARENTS>>>CHILDREN>>>>PARENTS>>>>CHILDREN

Children are parents priced possession .I do agree. But the way they dominate is really ridiculous. When I was young, my father held full control. As a matter of fact, he used to buy the dresses we had to wear and we wore it without any grumble. It is really funny. Now when I tell my daughter that she can dress this way and usually I am answered with a no…oh amma this dress looks odd…look at the color very daring ….now I think back…I have never said a word against my fathers or mothers wishes. It was an unwritten law OBEY ….and no reasons accepted as they put it- we know what is best for you. That was a generation before
But even now I come across parents never letting their children out of their grip. Somehow I just imagine the pitiable condition of the child as a monkey in chains in the hand of a beggar. Nothing different. It is made to do whatever the beggar wants whether it likes it or not. My daughter’s friend was one such example. She wanted to do PhD but her parents were against this stating that a job in an IT company was a blessing and by studying more she is increasing the difficulty factor of finding a prospective groom. Now when she wanted to do engineering they wanted her to pursue physics as they put it girls should not be so ambitious. Now the difficulties I faced with my parents made me a different individual. I just did not want to suppress my daughter’s desires of chemical engineering or further studies. Thanks to my husband who also believes in equality. I am quiet frequently confronted by people and advices are never-ending that we are foolish to send our daughter for further studies and girls being sooo ambitious is not good. Why not? But I later saw that its not only girls but parents do have their grips tight on their sons too….they want him to study but they want to decide the course, college and even the bride . They always want their sons to be under their control even after marriage. When a boy speaks out his opinion he is ridiculed that he is talking because his wife wanted him to do so. I was really surprised when I saw a father fill out the income tax form of his married son. He declared proudly that these decisions only he can take and his son can’t define what is right. Our society stature is such that we keep thinking that we should keep our kids under control and this is a chain reaction and it never seems to end. we fail to think that kids too have likes and dislikes ,responsibilities.ofcourse parents helped them in growing up.Now that they are grownup its high time they are allowed to their decisions and we can always help them out when they come up with problems. It is only human beings behavioral pattern .You see the animals and birds …when they are healthy enough to walk or fly they are left alone.HOPE WE LEARN FROM THEM :)

PARENTS

PARENTS

Parents are parents whichever age group they belong to. The children who cribbed about lack of freedom when they were young start dominating when they become parents….I think the post gives you the power. My friend when she was 20 years of age was in love with a guy and wanted to marry him. There was a lot of opposition and finally the boys side gave in. But the girls parents weren’t interested as his social status wasn’t good (that was the reason they said) they started emotionally blackmailing ,if she married him they (the whole family) would commit suicide. So this girl gave in and accepted the proposal of marrying a boy with a good social status and the one selected by her parents. She was very unhappy and always in tears. It was only after marriage did she come to know that her husband had no job and he was just sitting at home and eating from his parent’s property. Such was the ego of the girl’s parents that they had not enquired about the boy but wanted to send her off as soon as possible. So her life was a mess with lots of trouble from her in laws. When she told this to her parents they said everything will change. When she was in family way ,her husband came to know about her affair and started torturing .So after her son was born, she could not take the trouble any longer . She just walked out with her son. She did not talk to her parents too. She got a job and her son graduated and was placed in an IT firm….now history repeats ..he told his mother that he is in love with a girl and wants to get married. He also told her, the girl will very much be like a daughter and she knows everything about his mother. But tables turned she wasn’t interested she wept to us….see after so much trouble I had bringing him up this boy has actually betrayed me. Now we told her that she was actually committing the same mistake her parents had committed .what she talked about freedom when she was young had no value now. We had to persuade her and she finally consented. its almost a year since this marriage took place .she called me up to say after 28 years she is now enjoying life as her daughter in law and her parents are so kind and understanding.As the famous poet Khalil gibran puts it
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts.
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

we can learn from our youngsters too!!!!

Nowadays what I see around is really surprising .children always with mobiles or mp3 players plugged into their ears .I wonder whether they are conscious of anything going around them. So when we parents meet and when I chat with my husband we always accuse younger generation as irresponsible and completely immature (I remember even we were accused like this by our elders). Whenever we talked to our daughter an argument would crop up on the way a problem was dealt . So it was really surprising when I had an opportunity to visit her in Singapore and stay with her for 15 days. These youngsters with mobiles were always there whenever I needed something. They asked me to sit free and cooked me a good dinner …they never allowed me to wash vessals or clear the table .you are always doing this aunty, why don’t you relax. My daughter was to start to France so we thought we may have to do quiet a lot of work like buying phone cards ,foreign exchange etc etc.To our surprise everything was done and her friends were always there to help her out. One of her friend even bought her a multi country plug to use in France and phone card so that she can contact us. I generally get irritated by the cell phones constant ringing and message tones. when I was telling my daughter this she told amma you just don’t know the use of this, when I return after my experiments around 2 am or 3 am I message my friend and he will accompany me to my room. Or we usually plan in such a way we always get back together and on one occasion I saw that too and it was a relief for me that there is no fear in her traveling back at midnight. As my husband put it- there was lot of positive energy around and we were very happy and cheerful. Then came the new-year eve. we thought these youngsters would like to enjoy…but again I was surprised when they asked us to come to national university hospital .I asked the reason ,my daughter explained those old critically ill patients will be missing a lot so we will make them play some games and make them relax .wow what a great idea. Then back home in India I was introduced to another set of youngsters when my husband’s colleague fell critically ill. They justdid not give a thought about home but were sitting outside the ICU and morally boosting him. Now going back to my younger days, have I ever been so kind ,thoughtful and helpful. No never. I have never helped my mother even with her dishes leave alone serving others. Now the question is" Do I have the right to comment that younger generation are irresponsible and immature? "They are also good matured individuals who know what they are doing