A FATHERS LOVE

Usually there is a saying that marriages are made in heaven but mine was discussed during dinner in the dining table. That was when my father broke the news. They had decided everything and wanted to tell me no no it was information. They thought my response would be a happy blush and a smile and usual yes…as I always do what I am told. Here I have to tell you all about my sister. Six years younger to me but we were always together and my mother used to joke that we were inseparable twin but have a gap of 6 years. She was /is still very attached to me. We talk argue and fight but we never allowed even our parents to interfere. I was a very poor eater my sister had to eat everything I couldn’t finish to save me from my parents temper. My mother came to know about this only after our marriage and she was really shocked.. It was our usual dinner time, and it was a habit in our house to have dinner together. We were frightened of our father as he was a perfectionist. so we generally ate silently unless and otherwise my dad started some story or joked about something that took place in office. Actually he had the radio on, only if he had anything important to discuss he switched it off. That was a rare thing as everything was decided by him. That day the radio was switched off. My father started- Mangala do you Venkat mamas brother?…he came to our house last week. My sister interrupted- oh that short man Mangala who wore a bell bottom pants. I saw tension in my fathers eye and stared at her. and she kept her mouth shut. I told him ya u told me he works for nuclear plant in kalpakkam. Yes my father stopped and looking at me he said- we have decided to get you married to that boy. He is a nice man blah blah it continued but nothing got into my ears. I was shocked, marriage me, I was just asking myself -he decided to get me married am I not the one to be asked. But I never said a word but started weeping.My sister was worked up and asked my father why he wanted to send me out of the house. So she went away worried that she will be missing me and my support when she was naughty. The so expected happy scenario was a flop.I got up washed my hands and took a book and settled down thinking. my mom came after all her work was over and she started asking me why I wept? I told her that first place I did not want to get married.She said you don’t decide that you just tell me if you dislike this man we will see some other person. that itself implied if I tell them I don’t like Nagarajan they will tell they know better and all positive qualities. How can I judge a person whom I have never seen or talked? My mom replied that she heard he is a nice ,soft spoken and very simple person. I just kept quiet as I knew now that they had decided they were in it. I lost my usual enthusiasm and always answered in one syllable when my mother talked .she was really worried. She tried to reason with me. The day after next my father announced that the boy was to come to our house. I was actually very angry and nervous. but I was surprised to know that the boy wanted to know if I was agreeable to this marriage. He also told my father that he wanted to talk to me. My father came in and with a stern look said that I have to say a yes as I should know that he does everything for my best. My mom defended me saying that I always agreed to anything they said. My father said…but her eyes are enough to say she isn’t .so when Nagarajan talked at least I was happy that he respected my opinion, and came to know later that we both shared common interests. So it was what will be will be.My marriage was to take place only after a year, so I had lot of instances to know him better. But I was really frightened in my heart.I was just hoping he wasn’t like my father and my friends also made me jumpy telling a man was always different before marriage its only after marriage you come to know the real person (that I can tell now that women folk are also that way).When my husband asked me whether I knew to cook ,two days of our wedding, I told him frankly NO.(actually even my mother pleaded with me I refused to learn), and I was really shocked by his response as I thought either he will advice me to learn before we started for kalpakkam or a WHAT???he coolly said-don’t worry we will buy a cookery book and both of us will try together. wow a yes got me a very good person and I should complete a yes from nagarajan really got him a very immature and conservative girl who always thought that her father was a Hitler (I don’t deny he is male chauvinist as anyone in his generation)and failed to see the loving person he was within. After 10 years of our marriage when I was with my parents and when my father lost his temper and shouted.,I told my mother my Nagarajan is not like appa he will always listen to both sides of the conversation.My father started laughing and seeing the puzzled look in my face asked me- and who really selected you your patient nagarajan.Yes I told my dad this is the very best gift you have given me and I am really thankful.He quickly smiled and told- you are the apple of my eye how will I ever err. Being a mother now I now know how immature I was .I can also now tell that mothers love is very expressive whereas fathers love is always hidden.Even my daughter used to tell me you tell me many times I never feel the pain but when dad tells just once I feel the stab.His stern looks and anger is not because he dislikes his child but because he is unable to bear any pain inflicted in them when a failure comes. Behind those stern looks are tears and love for his kid. When I went to Tambaram last month I wanted coffee ,so I went to light the gas my father stood near me as he does whenever I go near the stove.He started first by telling me to rest and he would bring coffee. I refused, and he said -don’t touch the vessel its hot…I stated laughing telling him I was 44 years and not a kid (had it been 20 years back I would have reacted with a rage in my eyes what I don’t know kind of look).He smiled you are still a kid to me .so I left the place and settled in a chair near him and started talking. When he gave coffee, I asked him why only coffee I am hungry. I was really enjoying the look in his eyes and he started telling shall I make upuma, bajji or bonda..You eat these biscuits….oh my god who else will pamper you other than your parents.I think fathers love just goes unnoticed as mother is always portrayed as a sacrificing figure.
I only remember this poem i had read long time back
A Father's love for his offspring,
Is just like that of a solid gold ring.
No matter what, it is unending,
Never breaking; though.. sometimes bending.

His love is as strong as a mother's; although...
Due to his personality, it sometimes doesn't show.
There is no question of how strong..
Or of its lasting...however long.

ITS ULTIMATELY HOW WE LOOK AT THINGS

Really life is a good teacher. You learn quite a lot from it. Many kinds of people make the world. Some selfish, some generous, some miserly….it goes on. Everyone behaves the way they behave because of their past experiences. My father had a friend who was a real miser. He never spent even for essential things. His son and daughter are earning hefty sums in an IT concern Still. I asked him the reason…he told me that he lost his father when he was 10 years old and his mother had to struggle to bring up himself, his brother and sister. Finally his brother got a job in Mumbai and self in LIC and then they got their sister married. Those days girls weren’t educated and they had to depend on some uncle or cousin which was really a very bad condition.He told…"I know the value of money., but you are a princess in your house and your father just gets you anything you spell out(eventhough he is protective and dominating,he has never said a no to anything we asked) so you just don’t know how cruel life can be and the value of money". I then asked my father "Why he was a spendthrift, even after so many battles in his life?". He has also gone through many difficult phases like his friend. He gave me a different answer. "You see, I had a rough journey in the beginning and also for some time after I got a job. But after settling down and I could breathe I was really happy. When you were born and with mother working we did have problems, but my only wish was I should keep my children very happy…they should enjoy life. Money comes money goes but for certain things we have to spend, if that will make someone happy". Similar situations, both have experienced; but similar experiences taught them both different lessons. I know another friend whose parents never had a good understanding between them. They always fought and it was always chaos at home. She used to come crying to me. I always told her that nothing can be changed and she has to face it. That, She did not have any choice. Even though she wept she was strong within .Now she is married and has a kid. She had invited me for her child’s first birthday. I asked her if she was happy. And she told, " of course and I know how I should not be a bad wife to my husband and a bad mom to my kid". But her brother was very weak in mind and he has been mentally afflicted. Another friend of my father had two sons. My father's friend and his wife too had a lot of misunderstanding and he used to ill-treat his wife a lot. After his marriage, their elder son was like his father, a male chauvinist, whereas the younger son was different. Having seen his mother suffer, he wanted his wife also to have a say. So it’s ultimately how we see things that matter. I happened to meet one of my childhood friends a few months back. Actually she was very rich and was married to a business man. She invited us to her house. It was really a big independent house and well maintained. I was really happy to see her bubbling and her husband too was very friendly. When we asked how his business was moving, we were in for a surprise. He said that he has quit business. He earlier had a business partner of same age as he is who died suddenly. This came as a shock to him. He said he started to see life differently. He said "I just watch as everything happens as it is destined .I have enough wealth to support my family and so I don’t work .I try to remain unaffected by things happening around". I asked my friend how she feels; she told me "I cannot change him, no other option but to keep quiet. Sometimes I do get irritated". Because he had a lot of property there was not much problem running the household. We can term it as laziness or is he a yogi?!!!!!!. But my friend's son behaved in a similar way.He was 28 years and he has done MBA.But he refused to go for a job .He got quiet a lot of opportunities with really a handsome salary. But he refused saying some reason or other. His argument was " I am content by praying God and everything is happening as per destiny and I am an observer". We advised him because we conisdered him to be impracical. Because our efforts proved futile, we took him to a psychiatrist. Now I look at it in a different way. Why did we not think that my friend's husband who has turned philosophical needs psychiatric treatment and flet the same way as this young MBA? Was it because of money? This man could support his family because of the wealth he had whereas this young boy wasn’t rich. Same ideas but we attribute differnt meanings to similar behaviour. The way we see them was different. My mother, she was always a friend to me . We used to talk about everything under the sky. It is only now , at this age, I am able to converse with my father that way- but still certain limitations are there .I really miss her.When I was 10 years old, once I got my ankle sprained badly. The pain was terrible. My mother applied turpentine and was asking me to eat food. I was weeping and I told her that it hurt me terribly and I don’t feel like eating.She was talking to me softly (she always does that way)and she told me in a matter of fact tone, "Do you know darling, that absence of pain itself is a pain for a lame man. This pain will go off in two days .Be patient". I got angry, I raised my voice and told her "it’s my foot"…She knew from my tone that I was feeling bad and gave me a painkiller and made me sleep. I went to school after two days. I saw a blind man making chairs.He was there always, but this time as I noticed, my mother's words "absence of pain" rang in my ears .Now I understood the meaning. I knew that I was lucky enough and he was blind by chance and not out of option. That is when I learnt the first lesson of helping others when they needed. Earlier when the blind man wanted to cross the road I used to just go off with my friends with a "someone will help them" attitude (I have mentioned this many times to my mom and she used to tell me "because they need help ,they are asking. Ddon’t treat them like this". But I was just 10 years old).Now I started thinking, why not me. So she made me see the world differently. Thanks to her that I try to do something. Even before her death she told me, " I don’t want ceremonies to be conducted on my death day, just give the orphans a nice meal or buy them clothes and books. Give what you have. To someone, it may be better than you dare to think."
We make a living by what we get, we make a life by what we give.

MARRIAGE

I was reading an article in newspaper that lots of divorces has been recorded in Tamilnadu among newly weds.Marriages are made in heaven right but to make it work both have to strive.all types of people make the world. actually if you see ,incompatibility has always been there.you can never expect two different people to think alike.But there was lot of tolerance and in worse cases too divorces weren’t popular due to the fear of society and financial dependence. But now you have education and independence but we have lost tolerance.That's the main reason for divorce.It is fair for someone being harassed or beaten up to ask for a divorce but for trivial reasons its ridiculous.My friend's son got engaged to a girl and after engagement they started seeing each other.so one evening while they were having tea the boy has told his idea of buying a flat and the girl has said that she cant help much as she has decided to give her salary to her mother till her sister ,now in third year of engineering settles for a job.The boy was not happy and the marriage was called off I also know another friend of ours whose marriage was called off because she did not want compromise on her career and most important she wanted to eat non veg while the boy was a pure vegetarian.The beautiful part is they both selected each other and they had known each other for a year. Thank god these two cases split up before marriage. I am only reminded of Robert frost west running brook… When all the other country brooks flow east
to reach the ocean? It must be the brook
can trust itself to go by contraries
the way I can with you -- and you with me –
Its contraries that makes life interesting. And we have to adjust and not take the other for granted. Husbands or wives dominate ,the other surrenders. I wont agree that surrender gives absolute happiness as a bitterness always rest in ones heart which surfaces now and then when depressed or angry. Marrying does not give one the right to curtail the others interest .talents or freedom. According to me its understanding each others likes and dislikes…respecting the sentiments even if it runs in reverse direction that is important. Only after marriage you come to know the negative side of the person and it really makes many disappointed. If we accept people as they are this won’t happen. It’s same with friends too. We have a small understanding like I never make morning coffee…it’s my husband who makes it. I never insisted or asked him to but it just became a habit…so when dad visits me ,earlier he used to get irritated (as according to him women were to serve) but now he knows whatever he says I am not going to change, so he teases about it, he always comments he does not understand the logic behind it. No logic just happiness. Then its just unwritten law, if I arrange the table before dinner he will clear...i don’t mind even if he does’t clear but he wants to...so O.K. when I visit people and when the wife has to wait, serve, clean and clear I just wish he helps her.Just small things make a world of happiness…Sure he has his own ideas of life, doing things and me my own and we never agree on many issues .we always talk and discuss about the pros and cons before taking a decision and that is how marriage works out for many people…its just tolerance and understanding and respecting each other that makes marriage clicks. No surrender, just compromise. When the boy wants the girl to treat his parents as hers the same is true for him too. A support from the boy when the girl has to make some career options will surely make her happy and confident. Nowadays both of them have aims and goals and they want to pursue them .Nothing wrong in supporting each other.
As khalil Gibran says
Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
And stand together, yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.

CHILDREN

My grandmother was a very patient and practical lady. She lost her husband when she was just 25 years and was left with 4 children to take care. After my grandfathers death her life revolved around her children who were very young. As my grandfather was working for railways she had to wait for her eldest son who was just 13 years to complete his education and get a job in railways in compassionate ground. In our society you can be poor but being a widow was/is really a curse. She had to undergo all sorts of troubles to bring up her kids. The eldest son got his job, and then my mother she learnt typewriting and shorthand and got into LIC and the other two were studying. My uncle got interested with a girl who was also working for railways. My grandmother was so broadminded and she accepted his proposal. Then the ordeal started, my aunt did not like the responsibilities .somehow my grandmother adjusted to everything and my mother and rest got married. Now my uncle had a son and my grandmothers help was needed and her world started revolving around her grandchild. Then he had a brother and sister .so it was a busy schedule for her and she had to send them to school, take lunch et al.we used to visit my grandmother with our mother during our vacations. I just loved her ,her sweet smile .Whenever I was in a haste to do something she used to tell -be patient darling .Slow and steady wins the race .Iwas always with her chatting and listening to her stories. I have never seen her sleep .whatever dish we wanted we just had to spell out and she had it ready. When I was in tenth standard when I was a mature enough to understand things, I sensed my grandmother was an unpaid servant. She was always busy and her son or daughter in law never had the time to talk to her or ask her what she needed. She was a caretaker that’s all. Sunday my uncle and aunt would rest and they never bothered to rest my granny. So once when we both were chatting I told her to come with us .she was puzzled. I told her that I did not like the way she was treated and started weeping. She patted me on my head hugged me and said - Mangala ..Of course I brought him up but the duties I am doing is not out of compulsion but out of love. Yes I am hurt but at least I am useful. Let god give me all strength to always do things and let me not depend on others. And then she told me you are growing up you should also learn from others mistakes.Dont treat anyone the way you don’t want them to treat you. You be a lovely daughter to your parents and let them be proud of you. These words I still remember…when I get hurt by someone’s reaction I immediately think …be patient. So days rolled by. All in college and married ,my grandmother was 80 years old ,now very weak ,my uncle wanted to put her in an old age home. My grandmother wept. She told him not to send her there. My mother and her sister came to know about it and took her to their house where she breathed her last. I can never forgive my uncle. People are so selfish that they throw you off after taking all advantages. Here was a lady who wanted to give only happiness to her children and her son who wanted only his happiness. She was there in thick and thin whenever her son needed her but unfortunately he did not want to have her or just support her when she needed him most.Thats life .I learnt a lesson….never to be like my uncle. So even when my father is dominant and does not try to understand certain things…I just tell myself I am not talking back. He is old and I am not hurting him.I try my best to explain things. He will understand me someday…Children can really turn villains. Otherwise old age homes will not be so crowded

PARENTS>>>CHILDREN>>>>PARENTS>>>>CHILDREN

Children are parents priced possession .I do agree. But the way they dominate is really ridiculous. When I was young, my father held full control. As a matter of fact, he used to buy the dresses we had to wear and we wore it without any grumble. It is really funny. Now when I tell my daughter that she can dress this way and usually I am answered with a no…oh amma this dress looks odd…look at the color very daring ….now I think back…I have never said a word against my fathers or mothers wishes. It was an unwritten law OBEY ….and no reasons accepted as they put it- we know what is best for you. That was a generation before
But even now I come across parents never letting their children out of their grip. Somehow I just imagine the pitiable condition of the child as a monkey in chains in the hand of a beggar. Nothing different. It is made to do whatever the beggar wants whether it likes it or not. My daughter’s friend was one such example. She wanted to do PhD but her parents were against this stating that a job in an IT company was a blessing and by studying more she is increasing the difficulty factor of finding a prospective groom. Now when she wanted to do engineering they wanted her to pursue physics as they put it girls should not be so ambitious. Now the difficulties I faced with my parents made me a different individual. I just did not want to suppress my daughter’s desires of chemical engineering or further studies. Thanks to my husband who also believes in equality. I am quiet frequently confronted by people and advices are never-ending that we are foolish to send our daughter for further studies and girls being sooo ambitious is not good. Why not? But I later saw that its not only girls but parents do have their grips tight on their sons too….they want him to study but they want to decide the course, college and even the bride . They always want their sons to be under their control even after marriage. When a boy speaks out his opinion he is ridiculed that he is talking because his wife wanted him to do so. I was really surprised when I saw a father fill out the income tax form of his married son. He declared proudly that these decisions only he can take and his son can’t define what is right. Our society stature is such that we keep thinking that we should keep our kids under control and this is a chain reaction and it never seems to end. we fail to think that kids too have likes and dislikes ,responsibilities.ofcourse parents helped them in growing up.Now that they are grownup its high time they are allowed to their decisions and we can always help them out when they come up with problems. It is only human beings behavioral pattern .You see the animals and birds …when they are healthy enough to walk or fly they are left alone.HOPE WE LEARN FROM THEM :)

PARENTS

PARENTS

Parents are parents whichever age group they belong to. The children who cribbed about lack of freedom when they were young start dominating when they become parents….I think the post gives you the power. My friend when she was 20 years of age was in love with a guy and wanted to marry him. There was a lot of opposition and finally the boys side gave in. But the girls parents weren’t interested as his social status wasn’t good (that was the reason they said) they started emotionally blackmailing ,if she married him they (the whole family) would commit suicide. So this girl gave in and accepted the proposal of marrying a boy with a good social status and the one selected by her parents. She was very unhappy and always in tears. It was only after marriage did she come to know that her husband had no job and he was just sitting at home and eating from his parent’s property. Such was the ego of the girl’s parents that they had not enquired about the boy but wanted to send her off as soon as possible. So her life was a mess with lots of trouble from her in laws. When she told this to her parents they said everything will change. When she was in family way ,her husband came to know about her affair and started torturing .So after her son was born, she could not take the trouble any longer . She just walked out with her son. She did not talk to her parents too. She got a job and her son graduated and was placed in an IT firm….now history repeats ..he told his mother that he is in love with a girl and wants to get married. He also told her, the girl will very much be like a daughter and she knows everything about his mother. But tables turned she wasn’t interested she wept to us….see after so much trouble I had bringing him up this boy has actually betrayed me. Now we told her that she was actually committing the same mistake her parents had committed .what she talked about freedom when she was young had no value now. We had to persuade her and she finally consented. its almost a year since this marriage took place .she called me up to say after 28 years she is now enjoying life as her daughter in law and her parents are so kind and understanding.As the famous poet Khalil gibran puts it
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts.
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

we can learn from our youngsters too!!!!

Nowadays what I see around is really surprising .children always with mobiles or mp3 players plugged into their ears .I wonder whether they are conscious of anything going around them. So when we parents meet and when I chat with my husband we always accuse younger generation as irresponsible and completely immature (I remember even we were accused like this by our elders). Whenever we talked to our daughter an argument would crop up on the way a problem was dealt . So it was really surprising when I had an opportunity to visit her in Singapore and stay with her for 15 days. These youngsters with mobiles were always there whenever I needed something. They asked me to sit free and cooked me a good dinner …they never allowed me to wash vessals or clear the table .you are always doing this aunty, why don’t you relax. My daughter was to start to France so we thought we may have to do quiet a lot of work like buying phone cards ,foreign exchange etc etc.To our surprise everything was done and her friends were always there to help her out. One of her friend even bought her a multi country plug to use in France and phone card so that she can contact us. I generally get irritated by the cell phones constant ringing and message tones. when I was telling my daughter this she told amma you just don’t know the use of this, when I return after my experiments around 2 am or 3 am I message my friend and he will accompany me to my room. Or we usually plan in such a way we always get back together and on one occasion I saw that too and it was a relief for me that there is no fear in her traveling back at midnight. As my husband put it- there was lot of positive energy around and we were very happy and cheerful. Then came the new-year eve. we thought these youngsters would like to enjoy…but again I was surprised when they asked us to come to national university hospital .I asked the reason ,my daughter explained those old critically ill patients will be missing a lot so we will make them play some games and make them relax .wow what a great idea. Then back home in India I was introduced to another set of youngsters when my husband’s colleague fell critically ill. They justdid not give a thought about home but were sitting outside the ICU and morally boosting him. Now going back to my younger days, have I ever been so kind ,thoughtful and helpful. No never. I have never helped my mother even with her dishes leave alone serving others. Now the question is" Do I have the right to comment that younger generation are irresponsible and immature? "They are also good matured individuals who know what they are doing